Things That Make Me (Briefly) Homicidal

1. People who fail to use their turn-signal, resulting in: cutting me off, causing me to slam on my brakes, missing a light, nearly crashing into cars, going very slow, going waaaay too fast, backing-up traffic, confusing the fuck out of everyone in the immediate vicinity, and otherwise causing unsafe roadside conditions.

Solution: USE. YOUR. FUCKING. TURN. SIGNAL. IT IS LITERALLY 1 INCH FROM YOUR HAND ON THE WHEEL. I CAN'T READ MINDS YOU IDIOTS AND I DON'T NEED NO CAR CRASHES AND VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER IN MY LIFE.

2. People who forget that sidewalks have lane. I mean, sidewalks have LANES like roads do. They split in the middle for opposites sides of foot traffic. The left-most side is for the fast walkers. The right-most side is for the slow walkers. The middle-most side is for the middle-most people. (Side-note: you also don't stop in the middle of the sidewalk. You go to the far end in order to not obstruct foot traffic. If you stop in the middle someone -- not necessarily saying me personally! - WILL probably walk over you.)

Solution: none that I can think of other than my habit of walking very close to people in a silent effort to cause them to spontaneously combust into a million tiny pieces I could then stomp on in glee AND/OR cause them to realize that the world includes other people so they move out of the way of everyone trying to get around them. Sometimes I also say "excuse me," but only for the elderly, small children, people with special needs, and the occasional puppy dog.

3. People who forget that escalators have lanes. There are 2. The left is for people who walk up escalators. The right is for people who just ride them up. If you're carrying a bike/scooter/other form of transportation you stay on the right and do not block the left. If you're blocking, you kindly move your ass out of the way. This is the same going up and going down.

Solution: shoulder-checking, cold-clocking? No, not really! C'mon people... The obvious answer is stand REAAAALLLY close to them until they get the hint. If that doesn't work, breathing heavily is also a useful alternative. And if none of that works, I just start climbing over people while yelling, "BANZAI!!!!!!!!"

4. People who always project their failings onto you. Examples include: racists saying people calling them racists are the real racists; misogynists saying that people fighting for gender equality are sexist against men, women, children, and/or purple-people-eaters; bullies saying that stopping bullying is itself bullying and therefore they are the true victims here; domestic abusers saying their victims are liars, cheaters, and etc. Y'know, this list could really go on and on... and on and on.

Solution: well, this special kind of stupid generally can't be argued away or corrected through thoughtful conversation. So, that leaves laughing at these assholes, calling them out on their bullshit at every opportunity, shunning them when/as appropriate, and, in rare instances, punching them in the goddamn face.

5. People who can't park. Whether they take up multiple spots, especially in a limited space parking lot, or they parallel park in such a way as to take up half a city block for their one small POS Pinto. These are the people who park like a Jackson Pollock painting -- like nonsensical shit just sprayed onto an asphalt canvas.

Solution: call a tow truck if possible. Call parking enforcement if possible. If no reasonable authority is available -- or you're in a time crunch -- I would generally approve of some "accidental" bumps and scrapes on the exterior. Maybe some keys JUST SO HAPPEN to scrape a 5 foot long deep cut line along the driver's side. Who knows? That could've been done by anyone. Maybe the bumper falls over from some "kids" playing karate after school. How are we supposed to know? It does make you think though -- would your car have been such a target if you didn't park like a douchebag?

6. People who ask you to educate them about a specific topic, usually something that has been in the news, or is a widely referenced issued, or about something inside and/or outside your expertise, and then discount the evidence when provided. Example: an anti-vaxxer or anti-GMOer asks you to explain the scientific models, data, and evidence-based standards that support vaccination/GMO-crops. Once given, they nitpick, go off-topic, throw out red herrings, and then often ghost. Another example: someone asks you to cite the news story in question and then endless debate the factuality of the story itself. When you post more sources to support the initial citation of the story, they then begin to question all news media that doesn't fall within their narrow scope -- like the "alternative facts" and "fake news" people.

Solution: Short of slapping the stupid out of them, the it's best to laugh, ignore, shame, or call out these people's bullshit. Do it loud, proud, and without hesitation.Then turn the whole thing around on them: "why do you have difficulty with facts? Are you concerned that you may be wrong and have to deal with those consequences? What in your childhood led you to discount reality and live in a fantasy world? Did you suffer abuse and other trauma? I can offer you a list of providers in your area for therapy or counseling." It's one-part gas-lighting, one-part concern trolling, and one-part actually trying to help them -- albeit in a very cruel way. Not that I tend to feel much sympathy for these types of people.

Sorry not sorry? I guess this all kind of shows that while I play a Good Person very well in public. In all honesty, I'm not that good of a person. And, sometimes, I take a certain satisfaction in the suffering as well as misfortune of the above type of people who do the above type of things.

So it goes.