Closeted Cartoon Couples of My Childhood
While the closet door is, purportedly, made of all kinds of wood, I've found it to be more often made of felt and ink. Yes, I'm talking about how "teh Gay Agenda" has subversively always been with us in all its awesome glory. (Also, this entire post is probably, generally, mostly, and likely nearly entirely NSFW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)
Bert & Ernie were my first, my best, and will probably always stand the test of time as the most influential subconscious idea of who gay people are to me. You say "oh, so and so is gay!" I say, "why the fuck are you gossiping about their sexuality you sick bastard?" And then I think of Bert & Ernie, just singing, laughing, and annoying the ever-loving shit out of each other. Because I have tangents, damn.
Let's be honest: there is no way you can look back to Sesame Street and NOT realize that B & E were always the proverbial Adam & Steve for our generation circa 1985 to 1995. The shared bedroom. The subtle arm on the shoulder. The old-married-couple-esque snitty-pick fights. The impeccable fashion sense and color-coordination. The sheer dedication and expressive love. They were our first infinitesimal inkling that, maybe, JUST MAYBE, there is such a thing as two men loving each other.
It was sweet. It was beautiful. It was instantly crushed into small pieces which were then rubbing into the gaping wound of your heart upon by your school-yard bully, or bigoted uncle, or that creepy neighbor down the street always rubbing his finger in his belly-button when you played on the Slip-N-Slide during the summer...
I digress. The point is, Bert & Ernie are gay. Don't listen the Sesame Street corporate sellouts. We the people can see it as clearly as a dead horse being beaten by that sadomasochist who lives along your old school route. Bert & Ernie are awesome. They are married for life. They will always be the prototypical gay couple in my deeply immature little mind.
(That being said, I wouldn't say no to the conspiracy that there's a lingering abusive relationship going on as well, with Bert being a domestic abuser to poor, happy-go-lucky Ernie. I mean, Bert IS often berating poor Ernie.)
Normally, a show called Angry Beavers would probably leave you thinking of plucky female anthropomorphic types of Castor Canadensis with a radical Feminist agenda to shatter the glass-dam... ceiling. That, or just a really gross porno involving inflamed female genitalia.
You certainly wouldn't be thinking of THIS. (Note: NSFW.)
But, if I may lead you astray from the obvious path of gross Nickelodeon humor to the more subtle road of homosexual Nickelodeon indoctrination.
See, the title is just a fumblerooskie. A trick! They've got you thinking about vaginas and this whole time it was really about... well, not vaginas. The slapstick, the pithy slap-fights, the slap-string, and generally slap-happy cast of characters (a topic for another time, I suppose), as well as that awkward spraying each other thing they had once with all the musk. It was to distract you from two, very handsy beavers living in the same dam together, always fighting and then making up, always falling back on each other. They also lived in redneck country. So, that whole thing of them being brothers kinda, well... it makes sense.
I'll admit, it wasn't the healthiest of homosexual relationships, but there was definitely love there. A whole lot of manly angry beaver love.
What? You thought I was only going to talk about MALE closeted couples? But seriously, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune basically have "come fuck me eyes" for days when they look at each other.
While in the original Japanese their relationship is canon and obvious. For us Puritanical 'Mericans, it was a leeeeettle bit more difficult to see.
While the series makes a butch/femme dichotomy quite obvious from the get-go, with Sailor Uranus exhibiting the qualities of a classic tomboy-meets-interplanetary badass (I mean, she's a tall, race car-driving sword-fighter with androgynous outfits) and Sailor Neptune exhibiting the qualities of a classic lipstick-meets-stone-cold killer (with Loreal-esque hair, perfect makeup, the most impossibly short-skirt of all the Sailor in my opinion, and the ever-so decidedly sexually female instrument of cello).
They even raise a child together. 'Nough said.
Batman & Robin are basically the most obviously gay couple that I know of. And the most obviously closeted couple ever. Their closet isn't made of wood. It's made of ten-ton reinforced steel with a concrete base. You couldn't punch through it was an intercontinental ballistic missile fired from point blank range.
Where to start? From the weird same-bed sleep habits, the costuming, the flirtations posing as camp humor, and the sheer visibly animated pederastic love-fest that is, still, my favorite comic-book duo of all time.
I mean, can we really judge Batman and Robin's relationship? It's a tale old as time -- a song as old as rhyme. Not Beauty & the Beast but Greco-Roman. Shoot, such relationships have a near-universal history in cultures from around the world, promulgated primarily for the societal benefits as much for the selfish ones.
Not that I'm necessarily advocating for pederasty. Hell fucking no.
I'm just saying! Their relationship clearly has deep historical roots and stuff...
.
.
.
Anyhoo, while I'm sure I could make a few honorable mentions or edits (for instance, I know Bert & Ernie aren't cartoons originally, but they still count in my mind since Muppets were animated when I grew up), these are the ones I recall most strongly. The ones that really stuck in my mind when I got old enough to think back and go, "oh. OH. Oh damn, wow, oh man. Right in the childhood."
Still, honorable mentions must be made for: Yogi Bear & Boo Boo, Ruby & Sapphire, Beavis & Butthead, Ren & Stimpy (although, a case could be made for them just being pansexual and/or tripping massive balls), Winnie the Pooh & Piglet, and R2D2 & C3PO (yes, because droids CAN have a sexuality, you bigots).
I hope this has ruined a whole lot of your childhoods. Or, even better, made you treasure them all the more by realizing you don't have to be such a damn homophobe after all. Thanks!
(My first gay friends)
Bert & Ernie were my first, my best, and will probably always stand the test of time as the most influential subconscious idea of who gay people are to me. You say "oh, so and so is gay!" I say, "why the fuck are you gossiping about their sexuality you sick bastard?" And then I think of Bert & Ernie, just singing, laughing, and annoying the ever-loving shit out of each other. Because I have tangents, damn.
Let's be honest: there is no way you can look back to Sesame Street and NOT realize that B & E were always the proverbial Adam & Steve for our generation circa 1985 to 1995. The shared bedroom. The subtle arm on the shoulder. The old-married-couple-esque snitty-pick fights. The impeccable fashion sense and color-coordination. The sheer dedication and expressive love. They were our first infinitesimal inkling that, maybe, JUST MAYBE, there is such a thing as two men loving each other.
It was sweet. It was beautiful. It was instantly crushed into small pieces which were then rubbing into the gaping wound of your heart upon by your school-yard bully, or bigoted uncle, or that creepy neighbor down the street always rubbing his finger in his belly-button when you played on the Slip-N-Slide during the summer...
I digress. The point is, Bert & Ernie are gay. Don't listen the Sesame Street corporate sellouts. We the people can see it as clearly as a dead horse being beaten by that sadomasochist who lives along your old school route. Bert & Ernie are awesome. They are married for life. They will always be the prototypical gay couple in my deeply immature little mind.
(That being said, I wouldn't say no to the conspiracy that there's a lingering abusive relationship going on as well, with Bert being a domestic abuser to poor, happy-go-lucky Ernie. I mean, Bert IS often berating poor Ernie.)
(It's a love-hate relationship)
Normally, a show called Angry Beavers would probably leave you thinking of plucky female anthropomorphic types of Castor Canadensis with a radical Feminist agenda to shatter the glass-dam... ceiling. That, or just a really gross porno involving inflamed female genitalia.
You certainly wouldn't be thinking of THIS. (Note: NSFW.)
But, if I may lead you astray from the obvious path of gross Nickelodeon humor to the more subtle road of homosexual Nickelodeon indoctrination.
See, the title is just a fumblerooskie. A trick! They've got you thinking about vaginas and this whole time it was really about... well, not vaginas. The slapstick, the pithy slap-fights, the slap-string, and generally slap-happy cast of characters (a topic for another time, I suppose), as well as that awkward spraying each other thing they had once with all the musk. It was to distract you from two, very handsy beavers living in the same dam together, always fighting and then making up, always falling back on each other. They also lived in redneck country. So, that whole thing of them being brothers kinda, well... it makes sense.
I'll admit, it wasn't the healthiest of homosexual relationships, but there was definitely love there. A whole lot of manly angry beaver love.
(Their eyes are saying, "yes, we bang.")
What? You thought I was only going to talk about MALE closeted couples? But seriously, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune basically have "come fuck me eyes" for days when they look at each other.
While in the original Japanese their relationship is canon and obvious. For us Puritanical 'Mericans, it was a leeeeettle bit more difficult to see.
While the series makes a butch/femme dichotomy quite obvious from the get-go, with Sailor Uranus exhibiting the qualities of a classic tomboy-meets-interplanetary badass (I mean, she's a tall, race car-driving sword-fighter with androgynous outfits) and Sailor Neptune exhibiting the qualities of a classic lipstick-meets-stone-cold killer (with Loreal-esque hair, perfect makeup, the most impossibly short-skirt of all the Sailor in my opinion, and the ever-so decidedly sexually female instrument of cello).
They even raise a child together. 'Nough said.
(Well, I mean, obviously)
Batman & Robin are basically the most obviously gay couple that I know of. And the most obviously closeted couple ever. Their closet isn't made of wood. It's made of ten-ton reinforced steel with a concrete base. You couldn't punch through it was an intercontinental ballistic missile fired from point blank range.
Where to start? From the weird same-bed sleep habits, the costuming, the flirtations posing as camp humor, and the sheer visibly animated pederastic love-fest that is, still, my favorite comic-book duo of all time.
I mean, can we really judge Batman and Robin's relationship? It's a tale old as time -- a song as old as rhyme. Not Beauty & the Beast but Greco-Roman. Shoot, such relationships have a near-universal history in cultures from around the world, promulgated primarily for the societal benefits as much for the selfish ones.
Not that I'm necessarily advocating for pederasty. Hell fucking no.
I'm just saying! Their relationship clearly has deep historical roots and stuff...
.
.
.
Anyhoo, while I'm sure I could make a few honorable mentions or edits (for instance, I know Bert & Ernie aren't cartoons originally, but they still count in my mind since Muppets were animated when I grew up), these are the ones I recall most strongly. The ones that really stuck in my mind when I got old enough to think back and go, "oh. OH. Oh damn, wow, oh man. Right in the childhood."
Still, honorable mentions must be made for: Yogi Bear & Boo Boo, Ruby & Sapphire, Beavis & Butthead, Ren & Stimpy (although, a case could be made for them just being pansexual and/or tripping massive balls), Winnie the Pooh & Piglet, and R2D2 & C3PO (yes, because droids CAN have a sexuality, you bigots).
I hope this has ruined a whole lot of your childhoods. Or, even better, made you treasure them all the more by realizing you don't have to be such a damn homophobe after all. Thanks!
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