Pokemon Go Got Me Going

Okay, so a lot has already been written about how Pokemon Go has literally taken the world by storm, whether it's going to save our souls or destroy mankind as we know it. But, nonetheless, here's my two cents. Spend them how you will!

First of all, I can't seem to find any goddamn Pokemon! I've been trying at the mall, at my office, at the supermarket, at the park, along the freeway, down sketchy alleyways in the dead dark of night wearing black leather. (Well, that escalated quickly.)

But nope, I haven't found any. I'm still level 2 for crying out loud! Meanwhile, some people have already beaten the game! And here I am, can't even get a PokeStop or a Gym to respond to me half the time. Why? ...Why? WHY???

I blame my spoiled Gameboy-playing ass. I'm used to handhelds where I don't need decent WiFi or an LTE connection to catch some Pikachu. I'm not used to having to micromanage a battery pack, a GPS, and handheld camera to snag a Rattata. I'm used to training my Pokemon all over a sprawling, magical world, fighting random battles with AI trainers, using special stones and power-ups and renewable items, collecting gym badges, as well as winning tournaments.

So, yeah, I guess I'm feeling my age with this new-fangled IRL Poke-World. I don't want to go outside to find Pokemon, dammit. I wanna stay inside, get really pale, and destroy people with my max-leveled legendary team comprised of Moltres, Mew, aaaaand... Magikarp.

Oh well. That's not the dynamic anymore. These days, apparently, people play video games by walking around like a bunch of LARPers and simultaneously raising money for charity. Shoot, some people are turning Pokemon Go into a bevy of cottage industries, from dog-walking your Pokemon (while dog-walking even), to ride-sharing when you "Gotta Catch 'Em All."

Now, I'm not normally one for falling in for a fad, but the amount of people playing Pokemon Go, from high-ranking professionals to the fricking panhandler down the street, has got me questioning if I shouldn't keep trying to figure this out.

I mean, who knows? By the time I catch 'em all, maybe I'll finally stop seeing people playing Pokemon Go while driving 55 in a 65 zone during rush hour.

At the very least, I just wanna get a Magikarp evolved into a Gyarados.